American Tolkien Society

 The Great Goblin, the Cook,
and the Fish

A Folktale gathered by

Oxymore Took

(Daniel Smith)

 The Great Goblin was a fierce and wise beast. All bowed to his will. Beside his Queen, the cook in the Great Cave was the only one that could speak with this mighty King. The reason for this was that the Great Goblin had a secret that he, by necessity, had to share with the cook. It was the secret to his success! It was a humbling responsibility that the cook did not realize he had until one fateful day.

For, in those tall mountains where the Great Cave dove deeply into the rock, there was a special pool of water. To that pool, every seven years, came a particular family of fish. The fish relished the deep, mysterious waters of the pool.

The cook never paid much attention to the pool before his day of awakening. He should have, for what body of water would naturally glow with a white glimmer unless it had been fouled by elvish kind? And what kind of tree, dark of leaf but bright of blood red berry, would grow so far under the ground – dropping its fruit only once in the seven years into the white water to feed the family of odd fish that swam so far from the sky?

Cook did not wonder about such things. His instructions were as clear as the water of the pool was milky. Each time in its season, take but one of the fish in a net to be cooked for the Great Goblin. On the time of the dark of the moon, cook that odd fish in a pan of copper. Serve the fish, head, tail, and all the guts, up for the King without so much as touching the delicious creature.

Oh, the temptation to have just a taste of the fish was tremendous!

Oh, just to lick one fin!

Oh, to pop out one eye – just the one on the flat of the plate so the King would not notice!

But Cook knew better. The King waited in anticipation through the long seven years each time for the feast that would be served to him by the cook. Should there be anything off from what the Great Goblin desired, well, Cook knew he would be taken from the Great Cave and thrown off the side of the mountain to tumble, end over end, to the sharp stones below. Those stones, as could be testified to by all the dead goblins that had been tossed before when incurring the King’s wrath, were sharp as any goblin fangs. So Cook kept to his instructions which meant no tasting, not even from the grease of the copper pan.

Well, one year many hundreds of years into the rule of the Great Goblin, the King got a toothache. Unfortunately the black tooth chose the time of the Fish Feast to send out its searing claws of pain into the jaw of the crowned one.

“Cook! Come to me now, and show me your skill by removing this tooth of mine that I might dine on my Feast! Without my Fish I will surely be lost!”

The cook shrugged his thin shoulders and bowed to the King’s wishes. He took a long pinching tool and came to the mighty skull covered throne of the Great Goblin. He braced one foot on an arm of the throne and the other, spider like, on the backrest. He squinted as he peered into the dark of the King’s maul – so deep and foul, like the Great Cave itself. And there in the back was a tooth black with rot. The tooth, however, was not alone. Its fellow teeth were all in a state of decay.

“Oh my King,” said Cook with a whisper, “things do not look well in the royal trough.”

From the kitchen the King could smell the scintillating scent of the cooked fish…

“Pull you on that tooth, Cook, that I might have my feast!”

“As you wish!”

Tug went the pincher and out came the tooth.

“Cook! Come to me now, for there is still pain!”

“Oh my King,” said the Cook, “Many of thy teeth are as blackened as the first.”



 From the kitchen the fish teased and taunted the royal nose with a promise of reward.

“Cook! Come to me now, and pull all that you must!”

Pop, pop, pop went many a tooth as Cook tended to his work until only one lonely tusk remained in the Great Goblin’s noggin. The King’s ghastly tongue lolled around his empty gum sockets, finally free of the hurtful teeth.

“Now Cook! My supper, for I am hungry after waiting seven years for this treat!”

So it was that the cook scampered back to the kitchen only to find that the fish in pan of copper had been too long on the fire while he had tended to the Great Goblin’s needs. A blister had risen on the delicate flesh of the fish!

“The King will throw me from the mountain!” worried the cook! “Down I will fall to be bitten by the thousands of teeth below!”

“COOK!” shouted the King and he struck the table for his fish.

Without thinking the cook pressed the blister down with a finger to hide the flaw.

The fish was very hot!

And so the cook popped his finger into his mouth to relieve the burn.

Oh such a fateful move!

All the dreary dark of the Great Cave seemed to brighten as Cook tasted of the fish’s flesh. All noises became sharp and distinct, from the whispering of the Queen to the smallest bat squeaking in the furthest cavern. The flavor of the fish was the most magnificent thing the lowly goblin cook had ever experienced. But Cook knew his job. He tried his best to ignore all that was happening to his vision and hearing and out he went with the fish and served it up to the King.

What a tragedy it was when those squeaking bats from the furthest cavern suddenly flew into the dining chamber and tore the fish apart! Off they flew, not leaving even a morsel on the platter!

The King wailed! “Cook! Fast, to the pool! Bring me another fish!”

But the fish were gone – not to return for another seven years.

The Great Goblin fell ill and died the very next day.

Sorrow filled the Great Cave.

Sorrow but not silence.

For Cook began to hear a little voice in his head. It was the voice of the magical fish. And the fish told him danger was at hand and that he had but three days to avert disaster for the Cave and the goblin folk of the mountain. The little voice told Cook to take the teeth of the King to the bottom of the mountain. He was to plant them in the ground. He was to gather as many teeth from those skulls of the fallen goblins that lay about on the sharp stones and to plant them as well. Into the ground all the teeth went and on the third day a great army arose! The King’s teeth became Generals and the other teeth soldiers all set to do Cook’s bidding!

It was in the nick of time that the voice of the fish had instructed this for a great army of elves was fast approaching from the forest beyond the mountains to attack the goblins. They had learned of the Great Goblin’s death and were swift to take advantage!

And so it was that Cook led the army he and grown to save the goblins from the elves on that one fateful day. He later took the Queen to be his Queen and raised the Great Cave to become the greatest of Goblin Towns in all of the mountains with the other Kings of Goblinkind bowing before him. And it was all due to the grace of the wise fish from the secret pool. From that day forward Cook the King tended carefully to his teeth to keep them strong and clean. He was far wiser than the King of before… every seven years he remembered to eat of the fish, taking only one each time. But he also took a single red berry from the tree and a single cup of the water of the pool. His days were long and glorious in the annals of Goblins on both the West and East of the Mountains and he was forever remembered in Song and Tale wherever goblins gathered.

posted 02-06-2018